5 Foods Where Real Is Way Better Than Fake

The modern grocery store sometimes seems to be only tangentially a purveyor of foodstuffs. Much of the time it seems more like a huge biochemical experiment, with the general population playing the role of the hapless guinea pigs. Here, just as examples, are five cases where real food not only has fewer chemicals than the processed stuff, but substantially fewer carbs, too:

* Real Seafood versus Imitation Seafood

Yes, I know, crab and lobster are expensive. There's that pretty package of imitation crab meat, with a catchy name like "DelicaSeas." Is it a reasonable substitute for the real thing?

Imitation seafood does have real fish in it, generally a paste of pollock called "surimi," plus some of the particular seafood it's trying to imitate. Other things are added, of course; generally egg white, salt, and our nemesis, starch. How much starch? According to the website of Trans-Ocean, a producer of artificial crab and lobster, their artificial crab has 14 grams of carb in 1/2 cup. 1/2 cup lump crabmeat has only a trace of carbohydrate. Unsurprisingly, this means the real crab has double the protein of the fake stuff.

How about fake lobster? The Trans-Ocean Lobster Classic has 11 grams of carb in 1/2 cup, while real lobster tail meat has 1 gram. Again, far more protein in the real thing, nearly twice as much.

Yes, I know seafood is expensive. Save your pennies, buy on sale, or choose less expensive real fish, like catfish or tilapia. The imitation stuff is cheap because it's, well -- cheap.

* Real cheese versus Pasteurized Processed Cheese

We all know that Velveeta is "melt-able." And it is; the stuff turns into a smooth, nearly plastic liquid when you heat it, sort of like warm Cheez Whiz. Yes, real cheese can clump up when you melt it into soups and sauces; I've had it happen. But what is Velveeta made of? Here, from the Kraft website:

MILK, WATER, MILKFAT, WHEY, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, SODIUM PHOSPHATE, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, ALGINATE, SODIUM CITRATE, APOCAROTENAL (COLOR), ANNATTO (COLOR), ENZYMES, CHEESE CULTURE.

So it's not that bad; there's not a bunch of starch added, at any rate. Milk, whey, whey protein, and milk protein are all reasonable things to eat. Alginate is a thickener from seaweed, not so different from the guar, xanthan and glucomannan we eat regularly.

But because of that milk, Velveeta has 3 grams of carb per serving, with a serving being an ounce. An ounce of real cheddar has only a trace of carbohydrate.

Three grams of carbohydrate isn't a lot, and if it were a case of "Should I eat this omelet I've been served, that has about an ounce of Velveeta in it," I'd go ahead. But I wouldn't bother using Velveeta for something like this, because it's not a situation in which Velveeta's "melt-ability" is a real benefit.

No, that property really shines in things like cheese sauces, soups and dips. Unfortunately, those recipes are exactly where you'd be likely to use -- and consume -- a lot more than an ounce of cheese. To look at the problem, I re-ran calculations for my recipe for Cheesy Cauliflower Soup, from 500 More Low-Carb Recipes . The original recipe, which calls for 1 1/2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese, has 9 grams of carb per serving, with 2 grams of fiber. When I recalculate for 1 1/2 cups of Velveeta, that number jumps to 22 grams of carb per serving, with no increase in the fiber.

You can see that it behooves us to work with the more temperamental real cheese. If it clumps up on you, you can always run it through the blender!

* 100% Ground Beef Hamburger Patties versus burgers with, well, stuff added

I couldn't find them online! But years ago, I used to buy frozen hamburger patties. They were inexpensive, and certainly were quick and easy to cook. They also had added soy protein, in the form of TVP, to stretch the ground beef. At the time, I thought this was great, since we all "knew" that soy was a super-food that was just soooo good for us. Now I save money by buying ground chuck in bulk when it's on sale, making it into patties, and storing it in the freezer. But if you want to buy frozen hamburger patties -- and there are certainly worse things you could be buying -- look for the ones made from 100% ground beef and nothing but.

* Heavy cream (which you can whip) versus Cool Whip

I've long known I was out of step with American society in many ways. One of them is that I have had Cool Whip... maybe three or four times in my whole life. It just wasn't anything we ate in my house growing up. If my mom wanted an easy alternative to whipping cream, she bought Reddi-Wip, or another of the aerosol whipped creams that include at least some real cream. Reddi-Wip ain't health food, but it at least contains some real food: Cream, nonfat milk, corn syrup, sugar, mono- and diglycerides, natural and artificial flavors, carrageenan, nitrous oxide (propellant). The mono- and diglycerides are emulsifiers -- keep fat and water from separating. The carrageenan is another seaweed-derived thickener. Nitrous oxide, of course, is that gas they give you at the dentist's office; it whips the stuff up.

But Cool Whip? It's made from:

WATER, CORN SYRUP, HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OIL (COCONUT AND PALM KERNEL OILS), HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, LESS THAN 2% OF SODIUM CASEINATE (FROM MILK), NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, XANTHAN AND GUAR GUMS, POLYSORBATE 60, SORBITAN MONOSTEARATE, BETA CAROTENE (COLOR).

Mmmm. Yummy.

The Reddi-Wip, I might add, lists no carbs in a 2-tablespoon serving. It has carbs, of course, but this indicates that it has less than 0.5 grams per serving. The Cool Whip has 2 grams.

But how about really-truly whipping cream? Cream just about doubles when you whip it, so figure one tablespoon of heavy cream goes into a 2 tablespoon serving of whipped cream. That tablespoon of heavy cream will have a trace of carbohydrate, not to mention 4% of your vitamin A for the day. And it will taste infinitely better than any possible substitute.

Just a word of advice: I had a friend who told me she couldn't whip cream. Turned out she was trying to do it in her food processor. Unless your processor has beater attachments, this will not work; nor can you whip cream in a blender. You need an electric mixer, an old-fashioned egg beater, or a whisk. Add a little Splenda, erythritol, stevia, or what-have-you, plus a little vanilla, and beat till it stands in peaks. Don't over-beat, or you'll get sweetened butter! Oh, and it helps if the cream, the bowl, and the beaters are cold. Stash 'em in the freezer for a few minutes.

* Half-and-half versus... what the heck is it, anyway?

Half-and-half is half milk, half heavy cream. Yeah, it's probably from cows that were fed questionable food, and interesting drugs, but at least it's something resembling real food.

Right next to the half-and-half you'll find something labeled "fat free half-and-half," which always leaves me shaking my head and asking "Half milk and half what?!" Let's take a look, shall we?

Land-0-Lakes fat free half-and-half contains:
Nonfat Milk, Corn Syrup, Cream (Adds a Trivial Amount of Fat)Artificial Color (an Ingredient Not Normally Found in Half & Half)Sodium Citrate, Dipotassium Phosphate, Mono & Diglycerides (Adds a Trivial Amount of Fat)Carrageenan, Vitamin A Palmitate.

Um... yuck. We're supposed to believe that corn syrup is better for us than butterfat? I don't think so. And the reason they have to add vitamin A to this stuff is because all the vitamin A in the real stuff comes from the cream content.

The fat free half-and-half has 3 grams of carb per 2 tablespoon serving. If you drink four or five cups of coffee per day, that can really add up. The real stuff has 1 gram per 2 tablespoons.

How about those flavored "creamers" that have become popular? Looking at just one flavor, the hazelnut variety of Coffee-Mate, the ingredients are:
Water, Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and/or Cottonseed Oil, Sodium Caseinate (a Milk Derivative) Not a Source of Lactose)Dipotassium Phosphate, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Polysorbate 60, Natural and Artificial Flavors Carrageenan, Beta-Carotene Color.

Makes the fat-free half-and-half look almost wholesome; at least it doesn't have hydrogenated oil in it. 5 grams of carb per serving, by the way -- and that serving is only 1 tablespoon. Steer clear.

And the powdered creamer? Original Coffee-Mate contains:
COFFEE-MATE ORIGINAL CREAMER INGREDIENTS: CORN SYRUP SOLIDS, VEGETABLE OIL (PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED COCONUT OR PALM KERNEL, HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN), SODIUM CASEINATE (A MILK DERIVATIVE)**, AND LESS THAN 2% OF DIPOTASSIUM PHOSPHATE (MODERATES COFFEE ACIDITY), MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES (PREVENTS OIL SEPARATION), SODIUM ALUMINOSILICATE, ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, ANNATTO COLOR.

All of this is why, when we're on the road, That Nice Boy I Married takes his own half-and-half in a cooler in the car, and always asks at restaurants if they have real cream, or only "creamer."

There's one more product comparison I need to do: Eggs versus Egg Beaters. But it's 6:12, and I have a 6:30 meeting, and anyway, I've already got a list of five. So it will wait till another day. I'm sure you're all in deep suspense, wondering which I'll recommend.