Ads That Are Tweaking Me Currently

Very likely I watch too much television. In my defense, I'll add that only very rarely do I sit down and simply watch TV (except perhaps for Mad Men, which I stare at, transfixed, absorbing every word, trying to take in every period detail, and notice the symbolism I know it's loaded with.) I have the TV on while I'm cooking, folding laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, exercising, even sometimes while I'm working, especially when I'm doing very basic editing work that takes little thought. Still, it means I get a lot of exposure to television advertising.

Not that much of it does to me what it's meant to do -- convince me to buy their products. No amount of clever or not-so-clever pitching can convince me I ought to buy all of the nasty processed junk food and carb-loaded over-priced restaurant meals. Certainly they're not going to convince me to buy a bunch of pharmaceuticals for problems that, owing to good nutrition, I don't have, or owing to extensive reading I'm convinced are not even really problems. Heck, I haven't had a cold in over a year now.

So what the TV ads mostly do is annoy/amuse me. As I keep mentioning, I'm an ad man's daughter (I swear Don Draper is based on my father, only better looking and better dressed*), so I recognize weasel words and phrases when I hear 'em.

For example, have you seen the ads pushing Multi-Grain Cheerios for weight loss? It proclaims that research shows that people "who eat more whole grains" have a healthier body weight.

Do you see it? The big, glaring hole? More whole grains than what?! More whole grains than who? More whole grains than, say, Twinkies? More whole grains than your average vegan? Who knows? It doesn't say. General Mills has made an utterly meaningless statement here, while making it sound sort of meaningful and even scientific, something advertisers are good at.

I'm guessing that there actually is some sort of study behind this ad, as a CYA for General Mills. Might even have been financed by General Mills, for all I know. I'm betting that study showed that among people who ate the usual grain-loaded American diet, the ones who ate a higher proportion of whole grains as compared to refined grains were slightly slimmer. Gosh, I'm so surprised. I'm betting those people who weighted their grain consumption toward whole rather than refined grains were generally health-conscious, and therefore more likely to, I dunno, get a little exercise, take some vitamins, drink less soda, and generally shovel in less of the very worst of American junk food. Talk about your meaningless correlation.

But did they compare people who ate "more whole grains" to people who ate no grains at all? Or to people who ate minimal grains, either whole or refined? I'd bet my next royalty check that they did not.

Worse, far worse, are the ads for Glucerna. Why are they worse? Because they are aimed at diabetics, and try to convince them that a product that can only make them sicker will, instead, help them "manage their diabetes." Here, for your edification, is the list of ingredients in Glucerna shakes:

Water, Corn Maltodextrin, Sodium & Calcium Caseinates, Sucromalt, Glycerine, Soy Protein Isolate, Cocoa Powder (Processed with Alkali), Fructose, High Oleic Safflower Oil. Less than 1% of the Following: Canola Oil, Soy Oil, Plant Sterol Esters, Calcium Phosphate, Magnesium Chloride, Sodium Citrate, Soy Lecithin, Magnesium Phosphate, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Potassium Citrate, Choline Chloride, Potassium Chloride, Ascorbic Acid, Carrageenan, Potassium Phosphate, Acesulfame Potassium, Ferrous Sulfate, Sucralose, dl-Alpha-Tocopheryl Acetate, Zinc Sulfate, Niacinamide, Calcium Pantothenate, Chromium Picolinate, Manganese Sulfate, Cupric Sulfate, Vitamin A Palmitate, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Thiamine Chloride Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Folic Acid, Biotin, Sodium Molybdate, Potassium Iodide, Sodium Selenate, Phylloquinone, Cyanocobalamin, and Vitamin D3.

Even allowing that many of the unpronounceable ingredients are added vitamins, this is scary-bad stuff. Other than water, the biggest ingredient is corn maltodextrin. Not only is this sugar, it's a very high glycemic index sugar. It also comes in very high on the insulin index. How this is good for type 2 diabetics, I am unclear.

Sucromalt does appear to be more slowly absorbed than glucose, causing less of a blood sugar spike and insulin release, but it's still a refined, valueless sugar. We've already heard about fructose; it does delay the blood sugar spike, thus demonstrating a low GI , but that in no way makes it healthful stuff. Fructose also appears to be uniquely fattening, something diabetics surely do not need. Add some nice safflower oil, high in inflammatory omega-6 fats, and you've got some egregious junk posing as a helpful, healthy "food."

Fascinatingly, the Glucerna "snack shakes" are not just smaller servings of the regular shakes, but a different formula:

WATER, CORN MALTODEXTRIN, FRUCTOSE, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, GLYCERINE, HIGH OLEIC SAFFLOWER OIL, COCOA POWDER (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), LESS THAN 1% OF: SODIUM CASEINATE, CANOLA OIL, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, FRUCTOOLIGOSACCHARIDES, SOY FIBER, CELLULOSE GEL, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, SODIUM CHLORIDE, MAGNESIUM PHOSPHATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, SOY LECITHIN, CELLULOSE GUM, CHOLINE CHLORIDE, ASCORBIC ACID, CARRAGEENAN, ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, GELLAN GUM, SUCRALOSE, FERROUS SULFATE, dI-ALPHA-TOCOPHERYL ACETATE, ZINC SULFATE, NIACINAMIDE, CALCIUM PANTOTHENATE, CHROMIUM PICOLINATE, MANGANESE SULFATE, CUPRIC SULFATE, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, THIAMINE CHLORIDE HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID, BIOTIN, SODIUM MOLYBDATE, POTASSIUM IODIDE, SODIUM SELENATE, PHYLLOQUINONE, CYANOCOBALAMIN3, AND VITAMIN D.

Look, even more fructose! YAY!

Of course, the whole "need" for stuff like Glucerna, to "even out blood sugar," is predicated on diabetics being maintained on large-and-growing doses of hypoglycemic drugs, and, when even those fail to keep blood sugar in check, long-acting insulin. Sure, with all of that stuff swimming around in your blood stream you need plenty of carbs to keep your blood sugar from crashing and throwing you into a hypoglycemic coma. It's very, very touchy, don't you know, and you'd better keep this stuff on hand. Because you'll need to take those hypoglycemics every single day for the rest of your life, so without the right carbs, well, you'll die. This way you'll just gain even more weight, and lose your toes, and go blind, and wind up on dialysis.

Just stop eating carbs and reduce or even eliminate the hypoglycemic drugs? No, no, you don't want to do that. That's extreme. Carbs are necessary, don't you know? Most important macronutrient! You need 'em for energy! You don't feel so energetic, you say, and those extra pounds are making it hard to get around? You're doing as well as can be expected. Really. This is just the way diabetes goes.

It came as absolutely zero surprise to me to discover that Glucerna products are made by Abbott Labs, a company that makes a whole lot of money on diabetes, especially on meters and their requisite strips and lancets, not to mention insulin syringes. They are also the Wonderful People Who Brought You Ensure.

I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.

Time to go exercise -- while watching As The World Turns. Who knows what ads I'll see?

* Actually, Dad was sort of a hybrid between Don Draper and Pete Campbell. God help us.