Nutrition in What?!

Is it just me, or are the ads for stuff the food-and-drug conglomerates are trying to pass off as healthful even more annoying than the ads for outright junk? Is it just that I'm both a nutrition freak and an ad man's daughter that these commercials get under my skin?

One of my least favorite ads currently is for one of my least favorite products, period: Ensure. You know, the one with the animated bottle of Ensure talking like a football coach, telling the vegetables that they're "cool," but the mayo and the corn dog are "so out of here?" The tagline is "Ensure: Nutrition In Charge."

I'm in favor of vegetables, and no fan of corn dogs. (Indeed, I'm not sure I've ever eaten a corn dog.) While I'll eat mayo, I've come to be concerned about the cheap soy oil in it, with all the omega-6 oils it brings.

But Ensure offer "complete, balanced nutrition"? It is to laugh. Or cry. Or possibly scream. Here, straight from the Ensure website, is a list of the ingredients:

WATER, CORN MALTODEXTRIN, SUGAR (SUCROSE), CORN SYRUP, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, COCOA POWDER (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), SOY OIL, SHORT-CHAIN FRUCTOOLIGOSACCHARIDES, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, CANOLA OIL. LESS THAN 0.5% OF: CORN OIL, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, SOY LECITHIN, MAGNESIUM CHLORIDE, MAGNESIUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM CITRATE, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, SALT (SODIUM CHLORIDE), CARRAGEENAN, CHOLINE CHLORIDE, ASCORBIC ACID, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, DL-ALPHA-TOCOPHERYL ACETATE, ZINC SULFATE, NIACINAMIDE, FERROUS SULFATE, CALCIUM PANTOTHENATE, CUPRIC SULFATE, MANGANESE SULFATE, CHROMIUM CHLORIDE, FD&C RED #3, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, THIAMINE CHLORIDE HYDROCHLORIDE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID, BIOTIN, SODIUM SELENATE, POTASSIUM IODIDE, SODIUM MOLYBDATE, PHYLLOQUINONE, CYANOCOBALAMIN, AND VITAMIN D3.

You get that? Something that has three kinds of sugar before it gets to one source of protein is "balanced." Since labeling law requires that ingredients be listed in order of decreasing predominance, there is more of each of those kinds of sugar than there is of the milk protein. Then we get soy oil, with its omega-6 fatty acids, and later on some canola oil, which also has omega-6s. The ad boasts of Ensure's omega-3 fats, but both of these oils contain more omega-6 than omega-3. Better take a fish oil capsule with your "complete, balanced nutrition" -- or better yet, skip the whole thing.

What exactly is the balance of this "complete, balanced nutrition?" According to the Ensure website, you'll get 6 grams of fat, 9 grams of protein, and 42 grams of carbohydrate. Apparently we're going for values of "balanced" that include "A whole lot more on one side of the scale than on the other."

I find it curious, though, that according to the nutrition label, only 18 grams of that carbohydrate come from sugar, and another 3 from fiber. That leaves 21 grams of carbohydrate unaccounted for. Generally, when you see this sort of thing on a nutrition label you can assume the non-sugar, non-fiber carbs come from starch. But looking at that list of ingredients, I'm seeing a whole lot of sugars, but no starches. Maltodextrin is made from starch, but according to Wikipedia, it's absorbed as rapidly as glucose, the sugar against which all other carbohydrates are measured. It matters not at all if those carbs are technically sugar or starch; they're going to pack a major blood sugar wallop.

There are a bunch of vitamins and minerals in Ensure, of course; that's what makes up most of that "0.5% or less" list. Big whoop. Why consume 42 grams of empty, high impact carb plus some dangerous fats to get them? If you're worried you're not getting enough vitamins, take a good supplement, and skip the junk.

If you really need a meal replacement, you'd do better to drink an Atkins shake, though frankly I don't think they're so great, either, with their soy protein and sunflower oil. Still, you'd get fewer calories, nearly double the protein, and only 4 grams of carb, 3 of them fiber. They have the added vitamins and minerals too, of course.

Heck, if you stirred a spoonful of Nesquik No-Sugar Added into 8 ounces of milk, and used it to wash down a multivitamin, you'd do better than the Ensure: You'd get the same amount of protein, better quality fats, and fewer than half the carbs -- 19 grams. Oh, and again, fewer calories. Add a tablespoon or two of vanilla whey protein, and you'd have something approaching a meal.

Best of all, you could haul out the blender and make a smoothie. My usual formula is 3/4 cup cottage cheese, 1/4 cup whatever flavor sugar-free syrup appeals that day, 1/4 cup water, other flavorings -- cocoa powder, frozen berries, instant coffee, whatever I like -- to taste, plus anywhere from 2 tablespoons to 1/4 cup vanilla whey protein, plus a little guar, xanthan, or glucomannan to thicken.

But for the love of all that is holy, not to mention nutritious, don't choose Ensure. You'd do better to drink bottled chocolate milk and pop a One-a-Day. Not that you should, of course.